My Husbands Journey Has Ended

As is usual for me it has been several months since my last post.  I stopped work on Feb 3rd with the knowledge that it was not safe for Les to be home alone much of the day any longer.  Since that time we have been on a roller coaster in that he lead the nurses to believe that he could die at any moment.  He fooled them many times over the next 2 1/2 months. 

He would just fade into semi coma like periods sometimes for days and then snap out of them and come back as though he was ready to get out of the bed and be fine again.  During the last week of his life he only woke up a few times and then only for a few minutes.  He would tell us he loved us and go back to sleep.  We kept telling him it was OK to go to his heavenly home, but it seemed that he was afraid to take that final step to set himself free of the body that had finally said enough. 

His last day he didn't wake up until just before he took his last breath,  but did not speak just looked at his children and I, closed his eyes and finally gave into death.  It was the most horrible day of my life sitting there watching a man I have loved for 31 years struggle to breath and fight to live while I know inside he knew he could not stay with me any longer.

On April 13, 2012 Les left us for a better place with no pain, to be young again.  His over riding fear was that I would be left alone with no support.  He always worried about me, I think, because he was 10 years older than I so felt very protective.  Over and over again both the children and I told him I would be fine, I don't think he ever quite believed us.

I wander the house with no purpose now, flitting from thing to thing accomplishing nothing and wonder what the future will bring.  I am on leave from work so I can find me again.  I have been so focused on taking care of Les that I seemed to have lost myself along the way.  I could never have imagined what I feel like now.  They tell me what I am feeling now is normal, but what is normal in this life I have to learn to live alone.  I have always been a strong person, yet right now I want to crawl into bed and cover my head and I don't know how to get past that.

One thing I do know is that without the hospice team we had I would never have been able to get through the past 7 1/2 months.  If at any time you ever find that you have need of their help I encourage you to accept it and take full advantage of all they offer.

Rest easy my love.

Nearing the end.

It has been hard to work all day take care of DH at night, but with the help of God's love it has been a journey I am glad I have had the honor of taking with him.  I do not regret fulfilling my husband's last wish to stay home to die.  I was able to work through last week and on Sat the hospice nurse and I decided it was not safe for him to be home alone any longer.  We brought in a hospital bed to make it easier to take care of him and so he could be out with us, not stuck in a bedroom.  He is in the living room where he can see outside, watch the birds at the feeders, traffic going by the house.  It is like he is sitting on his throne directing his subjects.  He is a very independent man and still does as much as he can himself.

Today his hospice nurse told me we have at most another week together which is hard to take.  As I am his only full time caregiver I am coming to understand that God is holding me up and giving me the strength to get through this process.   Our children are all spending time with him, but until this weekend they were in denial.  Les has lost so much ground in the past week that it is definitely eye opening for them and the realization that Dad is actually going to leave us has hit them hard.

Only God knows when the end will come and even though I don't want him to leave me I know that he will be  fishing or hunting again, able to breath and walk normally again.  I am at peace knowing he will be as well.